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inthemiddlewithu

Ode to my past

397 posts in this topic

ohhh Jamie.  This phrase permeates my mind nightly.  It's a telekinetic call out typically attached to bad feelings of separation and hurt.

It was never perfect, but it was mostly good.  I haven't cared about anyone after her, though I try to fake it with the new challengers...

No denying I miss her, but if I was given a chance to rekindle I wouldn't

(she attempts/ed to keep that in mind while judging my levels of patheticness)

It's fuktup 2 years later and still longing for the love drug. 

Anxiety is at max levels but I've spent so much time in this state that I'm numb and dull to it. (various factors of stress, loneliness is just the cherry on top)

I'm aware of  affects and damage the stress/anxiety is causing but it somehow along the way became acceptable part of what life is.

Why did I write that?   ...    I intended to mention to myself how I could be tolerant of my mother planning to spend a day or 2  at my ex's house

when she planned to come visit in April.  In my head canon I decided, hey if someone is going to be nice to my old-sick mom than good, even if its at my mental detriment.   I did/do question both their logic it's really a shitty thing to be doing, when your aware that this girl fucked me over twice, in such a paradigm shifting scale that my quality of life nose dived and has yet to reach past peaks... 

I've been so active in the last year being a good brother,uncle,and friend.  I play sports, work, do my internet shenanigans and I've always remained honest to myself and others.  When you have very little you find comfort in personal morals. It gives (me)  the grit to continue into the next day. 

I don't know why I give a fuck about integrity seems to be a weak trait.  So ends my late night random rant to myself what a clusterfuck my mind is...

Waiting on medical update on why my mom's brain is swelling, she had exhibited stroke behavior and memory loss of events 5 fucking minutes earlier.

All I've gathered is maybe cancer spread to the brain, or possible tumor.  That woman has no luck with health, and I already knew death is close, but how close?

Will I have time to not be a loser in others opinion?  Probably not... and this is disturbing the sleep I should be having now.    Soon there will be no one left who I feel like I disappoint I wonder if it will be a burden lifted, or will it be a continued feeling of not belonging and loathing myself.   Time will tell

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If anyone actually reads this dribble I'll do you the favor and respond to myself with a song because thats what I do

 

 

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Further response to myself though this song is so new it will get taken down

was taken down but I fixed it see I told u so.     Fixed you again mother fucker x3

Edited by inthemiddlewithu
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I was 18 years old when I first saw castaway, I had been kicked out of my house and was sharing a basement apartment with 4 older Pakistani's

one of whom Asif Ali was a co-worker.  I felt a special connection to the movie as I felt very isolated at that time.   A few years later I was living in a different basement apartment and was given a Cat to adopt.  Her name was Ashley and she was a few years old already, but I decided to rename her.

I named her Wilson because I was reminded of the movie as I was pretty much alone, and now I had a furry little friend.   She died Last night, I hadn't gotten to spend much time with her in the last 2 years, because my ex dumped me and threw me out.   I couldn't find a place that would allow me to have any pets so she got to keep my cat much to my dismay.  I'll never see my cat again, and I feel awful that she didn't get to spend the last years of her life with me.  I will miss you Wilson always 12/18 was another shit day in a shit month from a shit year.  Good riddance to 2016  and where ever you are Wilson just know

 

Edited by inthemiddlewithu
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In a desperate attempt to clear my mind, I will jot down the things bothering me hoping to purge some of this ill feeling.  Ignore me or glance as you pass by like a accident on the road side. 

Christmas was really awful this year, I only got gifts for my niece and nephew and even that was some cheap Zelda puzzles.  I shouldn't feel bad about that especially having given my nephew my Wii u and 3ds and a fuck ton of games a  few weeks earlier for no reason other than I don't use them.  However I still felt really guilty for not being able to do more for more people.   It's not like anyone gave me anything anyway, but that's besides the point.  My brother's wife did give me a sweatshirt, and her mom got me a Pokemon shirt...  I would have liked to reciprocate but I was woefully poor with finances this year and had 800 dollars at the beginning of the month to my name with nothing coming in.  I received 2 tickets at the beginning of the month as well I won't have to stress over that until next month at least.

After getting those tickets I knew I had to fix my car so I planned to get my exhaust fixed after driving that way for a year lol... nothing better to start the day than horrible loud noise and poisonous fumes.  I've developed a tolerance to C02 and if I ever get trapped in a mine you for damn sure can bet I'll be the last one alive with the least brain damage.   So I did go take my car to get fixed however after being told the cost I had to not fix the exhaust because I hadn't enough cash.  I did get my break line fixed so I can stop the car reliably fast and that gobbled up 200 bucks.  So I was down to 600 I still owed 200$ more for rent but I only paid 100.

So that puts me at $500  I then had to pay my phone which was 107 but to round it off I'm now at $400  my insurance is 100 that will bring me down to 300 in a few days.   Should be 200 but fuck paying rent right?!    So I'm going to DSS trying to get food stamps and shit, we will see how that works out tomorrow.   My Cat dies along the way and my mom had brain surgery (she seems to be on the mend)  No job, No $ I can spend on anything but bills, death and health shit, close to getting thrown out at the start of winter and my continuous lonely feeling.  It's been one hell of a month let me tell myself!

X-mas eve I spent at my Brother Lee's wife's parents I was hesitant to go because of my lack of gift giving ability but fuck it I did get the kids some crap.  So I went

and had a nice Dinner with Erica's family.   I watched the joy of her family and did my best to appear cheerful, so as to not give the impression of how sad it was making me.  Jealousy I guess best described the feeling.  I really didn't belong there I knew this, and it was pity that got me invited if we're being honest.

I had no where to go and they were being considerate.   My Nephew really has been warming up to me he's a giant 8 year old.  So it's pretty easy to forget how undeveloped his little mind is.   He always wants me to put him to bed and tell him a story.  At first I was just telling him the story of Dragon ball because I don't really know kids stories... then I told him about the 1st and 2nd punic wars (thanks dan carlin)   So I put the kid to bed and I told my brother I would go back to his house 30 miles away to feed and let out his 17yr old black lab.   This dog is so old and his hips so fucked he can barely move.    So I got to the house tended to the dog and cleaned up all the piss he sprayed all over the floor.     I ended up binge watching some anime and fell asleep.   The next day I woke up (xmas) and I had no desire to see anyone, so I called and said I'm just going to stay with the dog I'll see you all when you get back.  I did that until about 5pm when my oldest brother called to inform me he was down from Jersey at his kids moms cousins house (his friend Dustin)  he wanted me to go say hello.   I wasn't going to but I haven't seen him in a few months nor his daughter.   So I went, and once again I'm at someone else family seeing the joy of everyone.  While it was nice to see the 2, I was again face to face with this fucking feeling of not belonging.  

When I was a kid my extended family never came, it was always us going somewhere.  This year was just more of the same I guess but I felt so different.  With all the things going on in my head I really wished I had a home, and I could look at a wall or counter and see Pictures of me out and about just to give the impression I belong.   That wish is pretty much unattainable until I do it myself and build it myself.   I wish I could find a way to share with the outside world what it feels like when you go to a family members house and see pictures of everyone but you.  I think of Jamie and how many pictures of us were everywhere, it really once appeared as if it was my home at one time.  Now they are all trashed or removed and stored.  Even my Ashtray which read's Kurt's Butts has a piece of electric tape covering the word Kurt's.  While I can relate... I guess to why she would remove anything to do with me... at least it was up once and displayed.   I never even got put on a shelf or a wall in my blood family.   I portray such a smart ass troll like individual online, but reality is far from that.  In the physical world I'm very respectful, honest, and dependable.  When people ask me to do something and I agree they have absolute confidence it will get done.   I treat everyone this way, rarely is it reciprocated  but that's not something I have control over.   I can't tell anyone I know how I'm really feeling though so I'm dishonest in that respect.

I'd be in a padded room if I told people that during idle moments my self tells myself to kill itself.   I'm not going to do it maybe because I'm a pussy ass bitch...

or maybe I know like all things a mood is temporary.  However hand to god a day does not go by where I'm not telling myself to leap in front of a bus or train or off a bridge.  I'm confident I won't do it for the reasons I stated above to myself...  but it would be really nice if I of all people could stop suggesting how worthless I am.   I have others who do that often enough I don't need to hop on the bandwagon on this front.   I don't want to exist...  like this.     This is a lot of my doing and I just need to find some way to change it even if I feel hopeless / powerless or whatever.  You really need to put your hand back on the wheel Kurt and get the fuck out of auto pilot, because it's headed for the rocks lol.      I enjoyed my last rant not so much this time though it's a lil too personal and real.   Let's make 2017 a whole lot better for ourself.

Edited by inthemiddlewithu
missed letters/wrong letters
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hmmm that above song was no mistake, just a happy accident.   I wanted to post this song instead.

Not sure how I fucked up, but I was asking for the thread to write itself the other night so I will keep it

 

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So today was emotionally draining.  I was asked by my ex to pay my phone bill ( we are one the same plan still )

I was at DSS and I had made an error, and had to go to another location because of my so called permanent address.

You see I can't prove where I live and all my important mail goes to my brothers, all my legal mail goes to my ex's parents who hate me lol.

I met with my ex to give her money, and I explained myself once more as to how fucked it is what she did and why I'm like this.

 I wasn't trying to crawl back to that life... no sir.   She actually mentioned how much her parents hate me, well

fuck your ignorant parents.   When you were an alcoholic did they get you sober?  When you were a coke fiend did they not say so what?

If anything it should be me hating them, but hate is too strong a term too valuable an emotion for me to bother with feeling for them.

I was your boring rock I said stop with the tattoos, get rid of the meddling mooches you call friends, sober up.  It was me who told you how beautiful you were without your pounds of make up, with out your off colored hair extensions that you spent 600 dollars on every few months, or your fake nails.  Before you lost a ton of weight (see cocaine)

Tonight  We had such a long talk, and I wasn't so mean I was just honest as usual.   I told you I was proud you fixed your license and seemed to be turning a corner.  Good for you.  I also told you that despite how you fucked me over, despite my misery, despite the lies I would still drop it all if you really needed help.   I apologized for not having the typical life lessons I should know.  My dad was a junky alcoholic who my mom left when I was 1.  My mom and step father were owners of a punk record label and band.  They left me  to figure things out myself.  I was like a animal (tame animal) I had to learn on my own, and spent crazy amounts of time alone.   By the time you're a young teenager you develop certain social skills that I never formed.  I basically stopped going to school in 8th grade I couldn't take it.  Why would I go to be teased for being poor?  It's no different than racism really... in fact $ is the new racism.  Those with it certainly claim to be superior to those without it.

All of my best qualities are a result of isolation and poverty.  Stuff is not what life is about, technically in modern USA it is... but that's not how it should be.   I may be facetious a bit too much, but it's really said tongue in cheek and not serious.   I really hope I find someone one day who has a somewhat like mind who cares more judging of what I do over what I have.  My gentle spirit. My desire to help, my eye for natural beauty in the most basic of things.  I want someone who doesn't need others approval nor aggressively has to be correct and want me to agree.  I like when someone else see's from another angle and can see no 1 answer is right.   

Today was soo sad but I was ok with it, I know not every day has to be joyful.  I was able to confide in a friend today and said much of what I've said to myself already in days prior.  It was a big step for me to just let my wall down and come to terms that no not everything is ok, and I don't care who knows it.   For that small progress I am happy... pleased even....  just not overjoyed :P   

Edited by inthemiddlewithu
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Posted (edited)

I have a treat of a discovery.  Long long ago when I had a special plot within the so called cunt farm.   This distant land had many treasures of my prophecy all of them forgotten to time... time and my complete lack of interest in going back there.  Why would I go back just to be ban again for being weird.

Well while clearing up memory and deleting shit tons of music and movies I'll never watch or listen to I found some writing I deemed valuable enough to save.

In my disconnection from reality from times I was so fucking high that I was able to tap into ancient truths I give to you the true age of humanity.

  enjoy my old serendipity of thought and a song while you read it of course

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4/29/2012

I sometimes ponder the age of man, Science claims 100k yrs others guess 200k devout Christians claim Adam was created 6,033 years ago.
Tamil is One of The oldest Languages in the world and the only surviving Classical Language that's spoken by people on a everyday basis 5,500 yrs old.
Spoken by 80 million globally.  This is only 1 language that shows an example to my idea.  http://www.ethnologue.com/ will show you there is about 7,000 living languages 'registered'  thousands more exist in the wild.  Arguably more languages have died than have presently exist.  That's 15-20k languages
to exist.  If man's origin is 1 area and from that area it slowly multiplied and spread out, there would be language 1.   This first language must have lasted a very long time as we populated our native Eden. Why would you need a second language?  What would cause this?  Lets say a few outcasts possibly orphans with no language learned yet. These orphans band together and move west following the sacred sun.   Because where the fuck does that sun go? They don't like the cold or the dark, surely if they head in that direction they will meet it.  
   
    Now these nomads wander and breed for months years maybe.  At some point they say fuck this moving around shit, we chase the sun and it goes away every time only to appear on the other side. They settle and discover and make new sounds to describe it.  Enough time goes by than there it is the 2nd language.   Now this Language 2 group has no idea Stronger more violent Language 3 group has formed over hundreds of years just north of them from a similar scenario.   The language 3 group goes down river and see's Female's and think Nice fresh fish...  They kill off group 2 take they're woman and Language 2 which took hundreds of years to form is gone from all record.   This goes on ad nauseum.  10,000 years or so.   This would only create 50-100 languages.    Now 10k years you may start to see Racial feature evolution.   Still the same basic animal but diet climate stresses have factored into subtle changes.  That's in the time of 50-100 languages.   lets go with the high # of 100  and the median number of 17,500.   That gives us an age of 175,000 years.  More than science, closer to hancockians 200k  and shits all over the age of Adam.      
now if we go on the low end 50 languages and the high of 20k you get 400K.    So Equidistant has decided man kind is 287,500 years old.

Edited by inthemiddlewithu
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Posted (edited)

Obviously my math is fuzzy... but I believe that's about right 300k years with a small margin for error up or down.

I thought it was a clever idea to use languages as a gauge for human age.  I never saw any videos or writings trying it and

I completely forgot about the idea. 

Edited by inthemiddlewithu
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That's an interesting way to look at evolution. "Anotomically modern humans" might not have been the first humans to develop and transmit learned languages. If we're defined more by culture than instinct (and that is a big part of what sets us apart from other animals), then the first learned and taught languages mark the beginning of "The Human Race."

I'm not even going to begin to study your math though lol. I don't specifically doubt it, but it's the general perspective that I like.

Another thing I've often wondered is, since we pass on beheaviour from generation to generation, how many learned details do we still have from our pre-human ancestors? What's the oldest surviving taught/learned idea?

Maybe it's the word "Mama," or something like that.

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I looked into your question of what is the first learned Ideas we retain from our ancient relatives / first H.sapian sapian.  I found nothing but conjecture at all turns and twists.   My guess would be hand gestures and facial expressions because while studying the blinds innate mannerisms I found they had really odd body movements and expressions uncommon to what we all do.  So acts like waving and pointing are my best guess.   Sorry I couldn't figure this one out

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