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Everything posted by self_medic

  1. Thanks @CosmEffect. I'm gonna read that paper. I came across the Grof spiritual emergence/emergency stuff a few days after my experience and that helped me integrate it in a way. The thought of it simply being a psychotic break terrified me, and because it felt so "spiritual" in nature made me think there was something more to it, so that's what I decided it was. At the time, I was seeing a psychiatrist once a month to collect a prescription for antidepressants for some acute anxiety and depression issues. I didn't feel comfortable telling him about my experience for fear of what he'd think of it. I wonder if he would've diagnosed me with something and put me on another drug. Im no longer seeing him, but I'm thinking about seeing a Jungian therapist soon and if I do, I'll share my experience.
  2. RIP Cap Steez
  3. @acreagelifeYou quit too soon. It got good later on. Edit: I agree with you though. Joe has been obsessing over the SJW shit as of late.
  4. @CosmEffect Are you taking antipsychotics since your experience? I'm not all that familiar with schizophrenia, but it has crossed my mind as an explaination for what happened to me...although because I was back to normal consciousness and haven't been back since and don't have any family history of it, I didn't think it was the case. Although I'm curious about the relationship between mysticism and psychological disorders like schizophrenia.
  5. This is why I am somewhat concerned about having another experience like this, although it was positive overall...I was alone and was back to a normal state of consciousness prior to having to interact with anyone. How long did it last? What happened? Were you clinically diagnosed with anything?
  6. I'd say one shift is that spiritual concepts make more intuitive sense to me now...not that I have everything figured out by any means, but I just get it easier. Like the conversations Duncan would have with Jason Louv or some of the Buddhist teachers for instance, wouldn't make sense to me before but I can follow them now. So I've been considerably more interested in this stuff now that it isn't going completely over my head...and less interested in things I used to be in...like my career, football, etc. And I think I've been more conscious of the mechanisms of my mind and more "aware of my awareness" if that makes sense. It's as if I have more of an outside perspective on my life than I used to, whereas before I was just riding the "thought ride." It isn't that I don't get caught up in my thoughts anymore, like I still struggle with social anxiety and beating myself up when I make little mistakes...but I'm more conscious of what's happening now. I see them more as programs I'm running in my head. I'm not sure if this experience itself directly led to these changes, or it was just a catalyst for opening me up enough to learn and understand what's happening more clearly. Psychedelics gave me glimpses prior to this, but it seems like a more permanent shift after this experience I had.
  7. I wouldn't say that the energy I felt in my body or sensations in my environment had an intelligence or meaning to it...everything was just "electric." But after I had the energy sensation at the crown of my head, I saw this orb of light and that did have a transcendental, high intelligence to it. Like some angelic personification...but I didn't perceive it as God necessarily. And it seemed as if it communicated to me telepathically, like when I got the message about the deeper roots of all world religions. It was an epiphany but to the 9th degree, but it didn't seem like it came from me. I felt like I was receiving it from a stream of energy at the crown of my head. I wish it was easier to describe... but it felt as real of an experience as every day reality, but it was the most psychedelic, experience I've ever had and without drugs. But like a psychedelic trip, it's hard to bring everything I experienced "back" to even talk about.
  8. For some context, before my mystical experience about 3 or so years ago, I really didn't know much about anything truly spiritual. I was raised Christian, but I was always somewhat skeptical, and all the sermons / Jesus talk just seemed very surface level to me...like I intuitively sensed some crucial knowledge was missing that the preachers didn't even realize. I questioned everything even more after a few ego desolving mushroom trips after college, and subsequently became somewhat of a Seeker. I eventually stumbled across some articles about the chakra system, specifically the third eye and it's possible relation to the pineal gland (thanks to one of my favorite rappers talking about it) and it immediately struck a chord with me. One day, I decided to do a 30 min meditation on the third eye, with "third eye activiating" binaural beats. Still very skeptical but I remember I was open to genuinely trying this as an experiment. EXPERIENCE: Nothing happened the day I meditated, but the following day I woke up with this subtle vibration on my forehead...and my skeptical, pessimistic self blew it off as nothing. Though as the day progressed while at work, it became more and more intense, as if someone was lightly pressing a finger there. Later that evening alone in my apartment, I decided to watch some videos online about the pineal gland, and I noticed the sensation in my forehead appeared to expand, until eventually...a sensation that I could best describe as a "fountain of energy" bursted through the crown of my head. That is when the experience became mostly ineffable (the following is very difficult to describe in words but I will try)...but I remember I could see energy flowing everywhere around me and I sat on my couch frozen, almost catatonic. I remember I felt something jump on my couch above me seconds before my cat did...which is fucking crazy I know. I felt as if I was halfway in this physical existence, and also in this extra dimension. I then saw what @duncanreferenced in the latest podcast (The Comforter, Holy Spirit)...it was a bright white light that appeared to have an intelligence to it. Like it was a living spirit. (I later found this website that referred to this - http://www.dharmaoverground.org/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/The+Arising+and+Passing+Away/en ) I started to get terrified, as if I lost my mind, but was immediately FILLED with comfort and peace with the intuitive knowledge that everything was OK. It was as if a loving energy wrapped its arms around me and hugged me with the most intense love you could ever give. After that, I was no longer frightened, and I remember getting a message (that seemed telepathic) that "All spiritual paths are leading to the same place...the deeper Truth." I eventually went to bed and laid down, and noticed my entire body was vibrating, but since I was in such a peaceful state that it didn't bother me. I saw the bright white light in my room above me, and had a feeling that it was watching over me, and eventually fell asleep. Afterwards: I only shared this with my best friend who listened to the DTFH that I knew wouldn't judge me, but he has passed away since. I tried to vaguely explain this to my Mom and my fiancé, but it's so difficult to do that without sounding crazy and I don't want them to worry about my sanity. Regardless, this was an event that I became conscious of the spiritual path, really by trying to integrate it and understand what happened. With the physical sensations in the forehead and the crown of my head, the best spiritual explainations I had for it is the "Kundalini Awakening." And I had no knowledge of this stuff really prior to the experience, so reading the symptoms after was quite mind blowing.
  9. Been listening to a lot of grimey old school Mobb Deep instrumentals and it inspired me to make this beat.
  10. I really appreciated JP's sharing the story of his transcendent experience. Has this happened to any of y'all? Mine happened when I was alone at home and not on psychedelics, and although it was a glorious, blissful experience...I thought the same thing Peterson and @duncansaid - how could I belong in the world or let alone walk down the street in this state? What would have happened if there were other people around? Would I have ended up in a mental hospital? Idk...it's really comforting to hear this and I wonder about how many people I come across have had a similar experience but are hesitant to talk about it, like I am.
  11. @JayDPAround 50min in the conversation transitions away from it.
  12. Do you have any tips for doing that by any chance?
  13. @Arkalogik Nevermind...I feel like an asshole. But the insistent Jesus stuff almost seems trollish to me.
  14. Are the entities you see with sleep paralysis always negative or frightening? I've never experienced this so I'm just curious.
  15. @pattmaynecongrats on the books! I think I remember seeing a thread you posted about one. That's fucking awesome man!
  16. @pattmayneare you interested in a particular craft or trade?
  17. Yeah I would like to. Part of my problem is I don't really know what I want to do...I got a degree in Finance about 6 years ago only because I figured the job prospects would be better than other majors. But I've done some "soul searching" since then, and I'm not sure the corporate world is my cup of tea...plus I've become quite the introvert which isn't necessarily the best personality trait for this industry. Ideally I'd like to go back to school and learn something else but Im not sure I want to spend my savings on tuition again. I'm kinda interested in bitcoin and crypocurrencies since um...SWIM learned about the deep web. It's tangentially related to what I studied so maybe I should learn more about potential career opportunities related to that. Otherwise, I just started learning how to design and make t-shirts that I may sell on Etsy for fun...but I seriously doubt if that could ever support me financially. Basically...I'm lost, career wise...ha. As you can gather by my rambling post. Sorry about that. TLDR: A craft sounds great but I wish I could make my mind up and pursue something seriously.
  18. Work for a consulting company, currently on a project with a large bank. My job itself is very monotonous right now...what most would consider a typical cubicle job. I don't like it, but it pays the bills and I get to listen to podcasts while I work. But I'd rather do something that's more meaningful if I could ever get my shit together and get my social anxiety under control to start interviewing again. My ultimate dream would be making my own money creating a small business somehow but that just feels like a pipe dream...I also don't know what that would be.
  19. We are all running a program aren't we? It's obviously in certain ways (heart beating unconsciously, breathing etc.) and less obvious with our thoughts. But they are all programs in their various forms. How often do you truly "pop out" of it and watch your thoughts and see your program running? I personally don't often other than brief instances during meditation and during psychedelic trips I've had. IMO some can do it more than others after consistent meditation practice, and a few may have the ability to watch the programs permanently. But most of us are MOSTLY stuck in our respective loops.
  20. Thanks for sharing. Really dig this song "The Dive."
  21. I've been at my current dead end job partly because of anxiety...job interviews have put me into panic mode on numerous occasions and I've fucked some up because of it. Deep down I know I should just man the fuck up and send applications out and get practice interviewing...that's probably the most efficient way to overcome it. To battle my general anxiety day to day I've been smoking weed, taking cold showers, started the Wim Hof breathing technique, and meditating with an app called Calm...so far I definitely think meditating is the best treatment, and that app helps me stay consistent. I feel really good mentally after taking a really cold shower, and in a milder way after Wim Hof breathing. Not sure whether or not weed is that beneficial...maybe I could do without it but I don't think it's had much of a detrimental effect on me. But I know the more I use it, the more likely I'll have to use synthetic piss to pass the preemployment screening. That'll be fun I'm sure... Anyway, I feel you man. Try the Calm app.
  22. I have 3 episodes left of Westworld and it's blowing my fuckin' dick off. Incredible show...and so occulty. I'm interested to see its effect will be on mainstream culture.
  23. The owner of Comet Ping Pong doesn't care either. Apparently pedo bands who post videos with images of abused children and pedophilia references are welcome anytime at his restaurant.
  24. @Tin RamIt could have been this one - https://youtu.be/iIHz2Ut6Riw only because I remember I sat for around 30 minutes. Nothing happened that evening, but the next day was when I had a vibratory sensation on my forehead, as if someone was lightly touching their finger there. It slowly grew more intense throughout the day until the "pop" sensation at the crown of my head. That's when my experience became ineffable, and lasted until I fell asleep that night. Sometimes I wonder if it was possible some DMT was excreted in my brain at that moment? I honestly don't know. But I haven't really tried any more meditating with binaural frequencies since...I guess I'm still integrating what happened, and it was kind of frightening wondering whether I had a psychotic break at the time. Although the experience itself was very positive for the most part, and after reading more about spiritual awakenings, A&P, kundalini rising, etc I've had some context to put it in, which has helped. (http://www.dharmaoverground.org/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/The+Arising+and+Passing+Away/en) Regardless I haven't talked much about it with my family and friends for fear it might make them worry...but I don't mind sharing it here in case it might be helpful for anyone else that could relate.
  25. I had little knowledge of anything spiritual aside from some vague understanding and interest in the third eye. I was still very skeptical of these things, but open to their possibilities. Then the day after a genuine attempt at meditation (with binaural beats) I had an intense "awakening" experience...it was far beyond any mushroom trip I'd experienced, and almost impossible to describe. However, I will say FOR ME it came with some distinct physical sensations around the third eye, and subsequently at the crown of my head. That's when my trip essentially began. Anyway, I've been trying to learn what happened to me ever since...so I guess that's in a way when my "awakening" began. But the best descriptions I've found for what I experienced was a kundalini awakening.