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self_medic

Hrair
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Everything posted by self_medic

  1. I struggle with this part. I feel like love and fearlessness are mutually exclusive, at least for me. I'm good at loving the people around me, but I don't know how to balance that with not being afraid of standing up for myself. Every time I do, I get the initial sense that I'm overreacting, and should just have let it go instead of fueling a conflict with someone I love. Perhaps I have a deeper issue with self love that would help with that...I don't know. But how do you stop feeling like a dick every time you do something that favors your self interest?
  2. @tyqoInternment camps sound pretty shitty to me, man. But I see your point. We are all going to die, and Donald is a perfect distraction from that. I agree with @Rokazuluthough. I think there is some kind of awakening happening right now, but it isn't so rapid that we are all aware of it. But as long as the internet isn't shut down, it'll keep growing. RAW, Leary and McKenna's timelines were just not quite accurate...but it doesn't mean that they weren't on to something. If there's any truth to be known, it's that life continues to evolve.
  3. I'm stuck in a dead end office job at the moment, but paying my bills because of it thankfully. God how I would love to get a government income check every month so I can quit this and just do photography or make Etsy shit...and not starve to death. I need more control of my time and life.
  4. Yeah it's funny to me that the most active discussions here the past few days are 1. Bitch about forum thread and 2. Let's all leave thread.
  5. With that said, God speed to all the fam who decide to go.
  6. I won't be joining you. I'm not that active on this board, but it's still always meant a lot to me ever since I joined. My first post was a request for prayers and advice during an extremely difficult time in my life, and many members here sent me messages of love and support when I was completely lost in grief. Needless to say I'll always be grateful for that.
  7. @Nihil Loc What is your "monster?" The part of you that you have repressed or failed to integrate? I feel like that's what it is for me...the aspects of myself that I need to work on but ignore because it seems scary or difficult. Just curious. Because you mentioned you are holding off from facing the monster and instead getting your shit together, but isn't facing the monster part of that process? I'm in a similar position btw. Fear has been holding me back from changing, and I'm slowly becoming more conscious of this. I just don't know how long I can go without taking that leap of faith.
  8. Awesome thread mayne! I've been seeing the Hero's Journey play out in my life as well. I don't know if I've answered the call yet, although I definitely received it. I feel like I'm beginning to see a path out by gradually realizing the aspects of my personality I've been repressing, and what I need to give space to in my life. (I see it the clearest when I smoke weed and go running outside...great therapy BTW) Its not gonna be easy, but I have a clearer picture of what to do.
  9. So did this dream happen on Sunday or early morning on Monday then? Just trying to understand the time between your dream and when the murder occurred.
  10. Fuck...........I couldn't finish this.
  11. To quote Carlin, "The planet is fine. The people are fucked."
  12. Thanks @CosmEffect. I'm gonna read that paper. I came across the Grof spiritual emergence/emergency stuff a few days after my experience and that helped me integrate it in a way. The thought of it simply being a psychotic break terrified me, and because it felt so "spiritual" in nature made me think there was something more to it, so that's what I decided it was. At the time, I was seeing a psychiatrist once a month to collect a prescription for antidepressants for some acute anxiety and depression issues. I didn't feel comfortable telling him about my experience for fear of what he'd think of it. I wonder if he would've diagnosed me with something and put me on another drug. Im no longer seeing him, but I'm thinking about seeing a Jungian therapist soon and if I do, I'll share my experience.
  13. RIP Cap Steez
  14. @acreagelifeYou quit too soon. It got good later on. Edit: I agree with you though. Joe has been obsessing over the SJW shit as of late.
  15. @CosmEffect Are you taking antipsychotics since your experience? I'm not all that familiar with schizophrenia, but it has crossed my mind as an explaination for what happened to me...although because I was back to normal consciousness and haven't been back since and don't have any family history of it, I didn't think it was the case. Although I'm curious about the relationship between mysticism and psychological disorders like schizophrenia.
  16. This is why I am somewhat concerned about having another experience like this, although it was positive overall...I was alone and was back to a normal state of consciousness prior to having to interact with anyone. How long did it last? What happened? Were you clinically diagnosed with anything?
  17. I'd say one shift is that spiritual concepts make more intuitive sense to me now...not that I have everything figured out by any means, but I just get it easier. Like the conversations Duncan would have with Jason Louv or some of the Buddhist teachers for instance, wouldn't make sense to me before but I can follow them now. So I've been considerably more interested in this stuff now that it isn't going completely over my head...and less interested in things I used to be in...like my career, football, etc. And I think I've been more conscious of the mechanisms of my mind and more "aware of my awareness" if that makes sense. It's as if I have more of an outside perspective on my life than I used to, whereas before I was just riding the "thought ride." It isn't that I don't get caught up in my thoughts anymore, like I still struggle with social anxiety and beating myself up when I make little mistakes...but I'm more conscious of what's happening now. I see them more as programs I'm running in my head. I'm not sure if this experience itself directly led to these changes, or it was just a catalyst for opening me up enough to learn and understand what's happening more clearly. Psychedelics gave me glimpses prior to this, but it seems like a more permanent shift after this experience I had.
  18. I wouldn't say that the energy I felt in my body or sensations in my environment had an intelligence or meaning to it...everything was just "electric." But after I had the energy sensation at the crown of my head, I saw this orb of light and that did have a transcendental, high intelligence to it. Like some angelic personification...but I didn't perceive it as God necessarily. And it seemed as if it communicated to me telepathically, like when I got the message about the deeper roots of all world religions. It was an epiphany but to the 9th degree, but it didn't seem like it came from me. I felt like I was receiving it from a stream of energy at the crown of my head. I wish it was easier to describe... but it felt as real of an experience as every day reality, but it was the most psychedelic, experience I've ever had and without drugs. But like a psychedelic trip, it's hard to bring everything I experienced "back" to even talk about.
  19. For some context, before my mystical experience about 3 or so years ago, I really didn't know much about anything truly spiritual. I was raised Christian, but I was always somewhat skeptical, and all the sermons / Jesus talk just seemed very surface level to me...like I intuitively sensed some crucial knowledge was missing that the preachers didn't even realize. I questioned everything even more after a few ego desolving mushroom trips after college, and subsequently became somewhat of a Seeker. I eventually stumbled across some articles about the chakra system, specifically the third eye and it's possible relation to the pineal gland (thanks to one of my favorite rappers talking about it) and it immediately struck a chord with me. One day, I decided to do a 30 min meditation on the third eye, with "third eye activiating" binaural beats. Still very skeptical but I remember I was open to genuinely trying this as an experiment. EXPERIENCE: Nothing happened the day I meditated, but the following day I woke up with this subtle vibration on my forehead...and my skeptical, pessimistic self blew it off as nothing. Though as the day progressed while at work, it became more and more intense, as if someone was lightly pressing a finger there. Later that evening alone in my apartment, I decided to watch some videos online about the pineal gland, and I noticed the sensation in my forehead appeared to expand, until eventually...a sensation that I could best describe as a "fountain of energy" bursted through the crown of my head. That is when the experience became mostly ineffable (the following is very difficult to describe in words but I will try)...but I remember I could see energy flowing everywhere around me and I sat on my couch frozen, almost catatonic. I remember I felt something jump on my couch above me seconds before my cat did...which is fucking crazy I know. I felt as if I was halfway in this physical existence, and also in this extra dimension. I then saw what @duncanreferenced in the latest podcast (The Comforter, Holy Spirit)...it was a bright white light that appeared to have an intelligence to it. Like it was a living spirit. (I later found this website that referred to this - http://www.dharmaoverground.org/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/The+Arising+and+Passing+Away/en ) I started to get terrified, as if I lost my mind, but was immediately FILLED with comfort and peace with the intuitive knowledge that everything was OK. It was as if a loving energy wrapped its arms around me and hugged me with the most intense love you could ever give. After that, I was no longer frightened, and I remember getting a message (that seemed telepathic) that "All spiritual paths are leading to the same place...the deeper Truth." I eventually went to bed and laid down, and noticed my entire body was vibrating, but since I was in such a peaceful state that it didn't bother me. I saw the bright white light in my room above me, and had a feeling that it was watching over me, and eventually fell asleep. Afterwards: I only shared this with my best friend who listened to the DTFH that I knew wouldn't judge me, but he has passed away since. I tried to vaguely explain this to my Mom and my fiancé, but it's so difficult to do that without sounding crazy and I don't want them to worry about my sanity. Regardless, this was an event that I became conscious of the spiritual path, really by trying to integrate it and understand what happened. With the physical sensations in the forehead and the crown of my head, the best spiritual explainations I had for it is the "Kundalini Awakening." And I had no knowledge of this stuff really prior to the experience, so reading the symptoms after was quite mind blowing.
  20. Been listening to a lot of grimey old school Mobb Deep instrumentals and it inspired me to make this beat.
  21. I really appreciated JP's sharing the story of his transcendent experience. Has this happened to any of y'all? Mine happened when I was alone at home and not on psychedelics, and although it was a glorious, blissful experience...I thought the same thing Peterson and @duncansaid - how could I belong in the world or let alone walk down the street in this state? What would have happened if there were other people around? Would I have ended up in a mental hospital? Idk...it's really comforting to hear this and I wonder about how many people I come across have had a similar experience but are hesitant to talk about it, like I am.
  22. @JayDPAround 50min in the conversation transitions away from it.
  23. Do you have any tips for doing that by any chance?
  24. @Arkalogik Nevermind...I feel like an asshole. But the insistent Jesus stuff almost seems trollish to me.
  25. Are the entities you see with sleep paralysis always negative or frightening? I've never experienced this so I'm just curious.